What Color is Your Lipstick?
I remember sitting around with my girlfriends discussing what we were going to do with our lives. I think I remember it so well because it was last Thursday.
Who would have guessed that the What-Color-is-Your-Parachute? style of wondering, wandering and discomfort prevalent in our early 20’s shows up again just when you thought you’d put that kid to bed. We may be less hungover, more accepting of our bodies, less interested in what other people think of us and more able to identify which fashion trends to sit out (high waisted jeans, gray matte lip), but the searching has the same feel. What the hell? Weren’t we promised cruise-controlled joy once we found the job, the man (or woman or singleness or whatever it was for you), the career and the babies or no babies or whatever fantastic thing it was we pictured? Could it be that all this itchiness we’re feeling is just a good old-fashioned mid-life crisis dressed up as a Google search for yoga retreats in India and a cooking class downtown?
“Mid-life crisis” seems like an unacceptable exaggeration but, barf, could that be what it is? Instead of mid-life crisis, I am choosing to call it the “What Color is Your Lipstick?” phase. One key difference from the 20 year-old parachute version is that we are no longer looking for what we will become when we grow up. We are grown-ups. We’re wondering what we can contribute in a meaningful way that will satisfy us for for the rest of our (hopefully long) lives. And maybe earn us some extra dough in the process. Also, can it be quick and easy, please?
Over the last few weeks, I have taken the liberty of channeling my inner Barbara Walters and interviewed all sorts of women on this topic. Based on my "woman-on-the-street” data collection, I have come to the conclusion that most women in the “What Color is Your Lipstick” phase fall into one of two buckets. Many even have a foot in planted squarely in both buckets:
Bucket one: We realize for real, real that the hands-on Mom phase is flying by at warp speed. Many of us are at a point where the kids need us, but not all the time. We’ve woken up from the sleepiness of having little ones and have been struck with the keen awareness that our time with the humans we created is as fleeting as it is constantly transforming. Maybe it’s all this constant transforming that is turning up the heat. We’ve been through enough cycles of change to finally understand that there isn’t going to be a concrete point in the future where we get to experience cruise-controlled joy and ride off into the sunset. We have to create it. Sigh. That sounds hard. All the cliches about time flying by is starting to be something we say, not just something we hear from old ladies at the grocery store.
For example, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-aunt, so a satisfying life for me never looked like anything other than having a family and some laughs. Don’t get me wrong, I have listened to all the warnings about losing myself in my children and have cultivated interests outside of my children. That said, if I could freeze time right here, I’d consider it. I have talked to many moms who have kids heading off to college and, barring super bad behavior, I think they would freeze time, too.
Stopping time is not yet possible, so we are forced to explore the questions: “What’s next?”, “Am I going to like this new thing as much as I like this old thing?”, and, the very scary, “What if I don’t?” So many of us have this feeling like we’re supposed to be contributing more than we do, but we don’t know what to tackle first.
Bucket two: We find ourselves in circumstances that we never pictured and are wondering if this is it. As in, this is it? Maybe we have a job that pays well but we don’t like it. Or a job we like but it doesn’t pay well. Or we don’t even want a job but our lives are getting more expensive. Maybe we are in a relationship that needs to be shed but we never pictured ourselves divorced. Whatever it is, while we are more secure in who we are as women, we are still experiencing a low-grade freak out that we may never be able to achieve the cruise-controlled joy we felt promised during our youthful struggles. Where’s this comfort we assumed would come when we worked through What Color is Your Parachute the first time?
What do both buckets have in common? Both contain the realization that we have to create the life we want for ourselves, and that we should probably start pretty soon. Many of us are not sure where to start. Most of us have solidified our suspicions that we can’t buy, drink, eat or "busy-life" our way to fulfillment, although we have at least tried that approach to make sure it didn't work. We’re left with having to shed the bad relationship, explore the new career, and finally figure out how to lose that 10 lbs. in order to achieve the fulfillment and joy we desire. Again, can finding it be quick and easy, please?
So what do we do? I am not an expert, but I can share my plan with you. I’m going be quiet and listen. To everything. I am going to trust that famous quote, “Your life isn’t happening to you, it’s happening for you” and listen some more. I am going to surrender to the truth that I have no idea what’s coming next and trust that if I listen to my life and follow my internal guidance system, I am going to wind up in a good place. I’m going to live gently. I am going to continue to live with the intention that I want to have fun and enjoy my life and that the search and change doesn’t have to be a complete grind. I’m going to sign up for the cooking class downtown. Or whatever.
At my core, I believe that our lives have the potential to always be getting better. Change is part of the package. I am going to be grateful for what I have and say yes to opportunities that come my way. Even if I have no idea what the hell is coming next. In a lot of ways it’s why this blog exists. My body kept telling me to write while I kept telling it to please be quiet. Eventually, the message became so loud that I listened. And now each of you have Egyptian Magic in the house, right?
Most of all, my plan is to laugh and cry about this with the women in my life. We’re all going through some version of it, so the more we can be there for each other, the easier it’s going to be. The women in our lives are SO IMPORTANT if for no other reason than we demonstrate to each other we are not alone. And we tell each other about the lipsticks we like.
We’re all going to be fine. You know that already, but sometimes it’s nice to hear it!
Go get ‘em!
Keely