A New Conversation
For a while now, a significant portion of the grown-up conversation has revolved around how we are so busy with our kid’s schedules. Having been around this “busy” block a few times, when I sense that conversation starting I begin to telepathically plead with the other parent NOT to provide a detailed journey through their Saturday. Whoa, 11 soccer games, 8 baseball games and a dance recital in one day? That early? That late? Taking place in Palatine, St. Charles and Northbrook concurrently? That blows. Realistically, if given the choice between having a conversation about your child’s schedule and being covered by nonpoisonous, biting spiders, I may give the spiders a go.
That is not to say that I haven’t been the perpetrator of the “busy” talk. I remember when my family’s Saturdays started to look like an air traffic controller’s monitor. As someone who values lots of downtime, I was so surprised at how much it sucked that I victimized any sympathetic listener I could find by mumbling our schedule at them in a haze of disbelief. The truth is, for better or, most likely, worse, we are busy. Even if, like me, you would rather have your children crawl all over you on the couch for an entire Saturday instead. Whether you have 2 kids or 6, once the second one starts engaging in the world via organized events, you can throw your hat in the “I’m so busy” ring.
Generally, immediately following the “I’m so busy” conversation comes the time-honored rant that things were better when we were kids. You’ve heard it. It’s based on the idea that our parents were really on to something when they only gave a warm hello in the morning and a quick kiss goodnight 13 hours later with limited interaction in between, save a healthy, homemade family dinner. And the bikes. Allllll that great bike riding. When I encounter this conversation, I often consider choosing biting spiders again. Don’t get me wrong, the “we were tough and had to learn things the hard way” argument has its merits, but it seems about as productive as the “busy” contest when it comes to raising good grown-ups, which is ultimately the goal, right?
As I see it, there are two inherent flaws in the “life was better when we were kids and subsequently we are the most awesomest adults ever” argument:
1) Every generation since the beginning of time thinks they are the best grown-ups and the new generation of children is softer and weaker and will certainly spark the end of days.
I remember my Dad highlighting the ways in which his childhood better prepared him for the rigors of adult life. Walking 11 miles to school and back in one of his 3 brother’s old shoes. Being hit by nuns in math class. You know, the experiential seeds of champions. His primary argument against a VCR was that it would be the final nail in the coffin for “books.” I should mention this was a man who thought being forced to wear a seatbelt was the end of private choice in the US and ultimately just for wimps. I’m sure his father thought my Dad’s generation would never make it because they had the luxury of refridgeration.
Just as we are now glorifying our 70’s/80’s childhoods, our kids will look back and undoubtedly think that they were better prepared for adulthood than their kids. Perhaps the argument will go something like this: Listen here, Jimmy, my parents had to drive me to play dates, not jump in a molecular transporter in the basement and be at Derek’s in under 30 seconds. Now get in your sleep pod!
And perhaps the best argument for not buying into the belief that our parents had the perfect parenting recipe? Count how many perfect grown-ups you know. I don’t know about you, but my number is pretty low.
2)“Now” only exists because we subconsciously or consciously wanted to improve upon “then”.
Have you ever met a parent who didn’t want the best for their child? It’s in our DNA. We all want the best for our children. It has been every generation’s wish since the beginning of time that their children have it better, easier and more abundant than they did. I remember my mom saying that she made it her mission to get us brand new school shoes and school clothes at the beginning of every year because her mom made her wear old ones. Is she to blame because I really like new clothes every fall? Maybe. Overall, we don’t want to screw up our children. That happens by accident. Our intention is to make our children’s lives better. Where we get it wrong is when we forsake their development as humans in order to fulfill our need to parent better than our parents did. Or our neighbors do.
There is value in taking inventory of our childhoods and looking for what worked and what didn’t. Without taking inventory and the learning that comes with it, we are doomed to repeat it. Each generation has to figure everything out as they go because each generation is parenting in a different world than their parents did. For example, we are the parenting pioneers when it comes to technology. Our parents didn't have to manage screen time and decide if doing homework on a Chrome Book should somehow count against it. But they also didn't have the same awareness that smoking in your car with the windows closed might not be great. Just like every generation before us, we are charged with adapting to the world as it is while simultaneously creating a better one. There are bumps, there are hiccups, there is learning. Learning can be ugly. Ever teach your child to ride a bike?
Back to the “busy-ness.” We have unwittingly created a culture where we think there’s an 80% chance our child will be abducted if we leave them in the yard alone. Let’s blame Dateline and 20/20. So we drive them everywhere and schedule everything. But that’s not the only way we make parenting decisions based out of fear. I think we sign our kids up for everything in sight because we are so afraid that they are going to fall behind our neighbor’s kid if we don’t. We feel like we are smart, productive grown-ups, but maybe if our parents had only signed us up for violin we would have gotten that scholarship to Brown and we'd really be killing it. So many of us have crossed the line from making sure our kids have opportunities to signing them up for stuff based in the fear that they won’t measure up if we don't. We all know that decisions made out of fear are never good ones.
I’d love to change the conversation a bit and stop glorifying our childhoods as the “right” way to produce the perfect grown-up. And, for the love of all that is good in the world, let's stop glorifying all this busy-ness.
Let’s keep the conversation about how we create good humans, because that recipe doesn’t change from generation to generation. Humans need to feel a sense of purpose. Humans need to feel some connection to that which is greater than themselves. Humans need to connect with nature and people. Humans need to feel they are an important part of a group/tribe/team/family. Humans need to feel like they are good at something. Humans need to feel that their contribution is valued. Humans need room to make mistakes and get themselves out of said mistakes so they know they can. Humans need to have role models and examples of people living fulfilling lives to know they can live their own. Little humans need to know someone is in charge and it is NOT them. Humans don't necessarily need to ride their bikes in the neighborhood for 10 hours being fed by whichever random mom just went to Jewel to have a meaningful contribution to the world as an adult. They definitely don't need 7 soccer games in a weekend.
If we measure our parenting choices based on what will make them good humans and not necessarily what we think the Ivy League or world of professional sports is looking for (although those things may coincide), then we are on the right track. You may still find that your Saturdays are “super busy”, but at least you will know that it is something that you chose for the right reasons.
Who's with me! Although, if you really need to vent about your kid's schedule, I get it. It's stressful. I'll listen politely while thinking about spiders.
Keely