Judgment Season
Remember when Grey's Anatomy first showed up on TV? Remember when the dialog seemed so fresh it was like excerpts from our minds? Who wasn't in love with the fact that Meredith made bad sexual choices while intoxicated but her character got to be more than just those bad choices? It was the first time in pop culture I remember hearing the phrase…
"Don't judge me."
I forget why, probably something McDreamy related, but Meredith was pleading with Christina, "Don't judge me!" and I was thinking, "Yes! Yes! 'Don't judge me'! Genius! I don't want to be judged either, Meredith and Christina! I love this show!”
I don't watch that show anymore. Now, I don't have to because we all say that phrase all the time. Anything from having another piece of cake to another martini to spending $35 on lipstick and we're asking whomever's around not to judge us.
I recognize we use the phrase, in part, to be humorous. I also think it's an interesting commentary on what's really going on in our minds. It's part of our cultural awareness we're not supposed to judge one another, but I think everyone would agree that we still do. All the time. Otherwise, we wouldn't request not to be judged so often. Why is it so hard not to judge when we know how much it blows to be judged?
Side note: For the sake of this conversation, I am speaking of the garden variety judgments we place on one another everyday: She drinks too much, she eats too much, she injects herself with too much, she's not breastfeeding, she's breastfeeding in public, her kids are maniacs, she works too much, what does she do all day, why does she love that guy, and so on. I am not speaking of horrible criminals. I still judge them and I don’t have a lot of ideas on how to not.
Did you ever see the 60 Minutes that featured studies being done on babies to get to the bottom of whether humans are inherently good, inherently evil, or clean slates? Two psychologists from Yale, Karen Wynn and Paul Bloom, conducted the studies and their findings are super interesting. Leslie Stahl is also ageless. Here’s the video:
One aspect of the story I found particularly relevant to judgement is that babies, according to Paul Bloom, Yale psychologist, are “predisposed to break the world up into different human groups, based on the most subtle and seemingly irrelevant cues.” In this case, the “seemingly irrelevant cues” were whether or not the baby chose Cheerios or graham crackers as a snack. The study found that babies were okay with “punishing” stuffed animals that didn’t like the same snack as they did. Bottom line, there is significant evidence that, even as babies, there is “bias to favor the self”, even if it’s something as meaningless as which snack we like. Kind of like judging someone because they wear too much eye makeup or gave their child a sucker.
Seems like a mean trick, doesn't it? We are hardwired to judge, yet we are told not to judge!
Don't panic yet. Thankfully, the study also found that the older the children got, the more willing they were to share with others and actually have less for themselves. The hopeful conclusion is that teaching compassion, generosity and non-judgement affects the way that children and, ultimately, adults behave. It means that while we may have an instant reaction to judge someone for getting huge breast implants and wearing that shirt, we can talk ourselves out of it.
How do we talk ourselves out of it? Here’s my take:
If I'm sitting in my living room reading Ekart Tolle with a candle burning, I am totally down with not judging. We are all God's children and he loves us all equally. Yes! We are all souls on our own journey, learning and finding what we need in this life to grow. Namaste! Fast forward to the airport, shoved together with the rest of humanity, and I'm immediately wondering how all that crap could possibly be true. God loves everyone equally? Equally? I mean, look at that guy over there! Just look at him! If I agree not to judge my friends, can I still judge that guy over there? Look at him!
When I feel myself wanting to judge that guy at the airport, I let that be my gut reaction because I can't help it. My guess is neither can you. But then I talk myself off the ledge. Take a breath. He could be having a crappy day. I don’t know what he went through that morning, much less in his life. I don't know what his personal fears are and the ways he holds himself back. I remind myself that I am not perfect, just look at the irresponsible amount of lipstick I own. Who cares what that guy has chosen to do with his freedom to make decisions for himself about his life. I remind myself that it sucks to be judged, wish him well and move on.
Humans are not supposed to agree on everything. Humans were created with different skills, hobbies, interests, points of view, backgrounds, etc. We need everybody. I can't tell you how grateful I am that someone else decided they like science. If cancer research were left to me we'd be in big trouble. We need everybody (excluding horrible criminals, as I mentioned above) and the world is richer in every way when we have different points of view working together.
Practicing non-judgment also works for the judging you do to yourself. You know, for not being good enough, pretty enough, organized enough etc. Hopefully, you will practice non-judgment this holiday season and beyond when you feel it creeping up. We’re already living gently, so I predict success!
One last thing. After being wowed by JLo's performance at the American Music Awards, I have decided to wear a replica of her bodysuit on a daily basis. Don’t judge me.
Do you think my kids can hold me like that? Hope so.
Keely
